Illegal to spit??

[byco42]

That is great...did he have enough saliva left over to make the rest of us a really great Brazilian IPA?

I hesitate to make Jesus jokes with you, because I've made you a little touchy about them in the past...

My dear darling, very Catholic and very recently departed mother also didn't appreciate when I made Jesus jokes...so out of respect for that, at the funeral last weekend, my Jewish wife and I didn't make any Jesus jokes...or at least I don't remember that we did...instead, we just made snarky comments to each other throughout the Mass and the burial about my...somewhat...actually I could say quite...unadmirable female sibling.

Depends on the joke. The Jesus/Arnold Palmer one is pretty funny.

 

[tinselwolverine]

Depends on the joke. The Jesus/Arnold Palmer one is pretty funny.

I know a couple of those; in one Jesus is golfing with Moses, and in another one, Jesus is golfing with the devil.

 

[Thumb]

I know a couple of those; in one Jesus is golfing with Moses, and in another one, Jesus is golfing with the devil.

Well don't keep us in suspense.

 

[Michchamp]

thanks to the internet, whenever I hear or see the phrase "Jesus saves" I think of Jesus in hockey pads knocking a mean slap shot away from goal.

 

[tinselwolverine]

Well don't keep us in suspense.

Just saw this...I'm actually on the job now; I'll post them when I'm done.

 

[Thumb]

thanks to the internet, whenever I hear or see the phrase "Jesus saves" I think of Jesus in hockey pads knocking a mean slap shot away from goal.

I see him holding a Nintendo controller.

But your way sounds cool too.

 

[tinselwolverine]

I didn't know Jesus was a lefty.

Or maybe he's ambidextrous, and just plays goalie left handed.

 

[tinselwolverine]

OK, so....

Jesus and Moses are out on the golf course...the hole has a big water trap pretty much all around the green...so Jesus tees up and hooks it way left...a tough iron over the water trap...

So Moses, he kinda swings soft, and hits it straight down the fairway...but technically Moses is away, so he irons the ball right up onto the green.

So Jesus pulls out a big iron, and Moses asks "what the hell are you doing? (They're both Jewish, so they get to talk to each other like that) and Jesus answers "well, I'm gonna hit it onto the green..."

And Moses answers..."there's no way you're gonna get it onto the green from here...you need to lay up...who do you think you are, Arnold Palmer? (It was Jack Nicklaus when I first heard it, so what the hell...same shit...)

And Jesus answers "No, I'm gonna get it onto the green..."

So Jesus addresses the ball...sets to swing...and WHACK! Straight out onto the water trap...

So Jesus is still away, so he walks out onto the water, to address the ball, to pitch it up onto the green...

...and the group coming up behind him sees this, and says to Moses "Look at that guy, standing there out on the water!!! Who does he think he is, Jesus?"

And Moses answers "he is Jesus. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer (or Jack Nicklaus)."

 

[Michchamp]

OK, so....

Jesus and Moses are out on the golf course...the hole has a big water trap pretty much all around the green...so Jesus tees up and hooks it way left...a tough iron over the water trap...

So Moses, he kinda swings soft, and hits it straight down the fairway...but technically Moses is away, so he irons the ball right up onto the green.

So Jesus pulls out a big iron, and Moses asks "what the hell are you doing? (They're both Jewish, so they get to talk to each other like that) and Jesus answers "well, I'm gonna hit it onto the green..."

And Moses answers..."there's no way you're gonna get it onto the green from here...you need to lay up...who do you think you are, Arnold Palmer? (It was Jack Nicklaus when I first heard it, so what the hell...same shit...)

And Jesus answers "No, I'm gonna get it onto the green..."

So Jesus addresses the ball...sets to swing...and WHACK! Straight out onto the water trap...

So Jesus is still away, so he walks out onto the water, to address the ball, to pitch it up onto the green...

...and the group coming up behind him sees this, and says to Moses "Look at that guy, standing there out on the water!!! Who does he think he is, Jesus?"

And Moses answers "he is Jesus. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer (or Jack Nicklaus)."

I don't believe any modern person - outside of the more extremist camps - could find that offensive.

but if it was 100 years ago, I'd think it would be, as would any "joke" involving the divine. seems if you really believe God/Jesus are divine and all powerful and all that, no joking should be allowed, period. Maybe the fact that they are is the result of the more chummy relationship with God that Martin Luther introduced (as described, and ridiculed by Nietzsche in many of his works).

the Catholic church toned down the inquisition over time to compete with that, because both in the long run, and among most average people, a kind smile and some mild humor will win out over the fire and brimstone, and archaic Latin mysticism everytime. But prior to all this, "God" was not something you even mentioned in casual conversation, or when you were wearing a hat.

But for me, that's all a bit of quaint silliness.

 

[byco42]

thanks to the internet, whenever I hear or see the phrase "Jesus saves" I think of Jesus in hockey pads knocking a mean slap shot away from goal.

"Jesus saves, Esposito scores on the rebound." Circa 1970.

 

[byco42]

I don't believe any modern person - outside of the more extremist camps - could find that offensive.

but if it was 100 years ago, I'd think it would be, as would any "joke" involving the divine. seems if you really believe God/Jesus are divine and all powerful and all that, no joking should be allowed, period. Maybe the fact that they are is the result of the more chummy relationship with God that Martin Luther introduced (as described, and ridiculed by Nietzsche in many of his works).

the Catholic church toned down the inquisition over time to compete with that, because both in the long run, and among most average people, a kind smile and some mild humor will win out over the fire and brimstone, and archaic Latin mysticism everytime. But prior to all this, "God" was not something you even mentioned in casual conversation, or when you were wearing a hat.

But for me, that's all a bit of quaint silliness.

Jesus has a very keen sense of humor, actually. His constant duels with the Pharisees were definitely opportunites to display it, with a few exceptions. People confuse the intrepretation of His ministry with the reality of it, and anything where people are involved is guaranteed to be dysfunctional.

 

[tinselwolverine]

Jesus has a very keen sense of humor, actually. His constant duels with the Pharisees were definitely opportunites to display it, with a few exceptions. People confuse the intrepretation of His ministry with the reality of it, and anything where people are involved is guaranteed to be dysfunctional.

Now, was my joke the Jesus/Arnold Palmer story the joke you like, or is that one another one?

 

[byco42]

Now, was my joke the Jesus/Arnold Palmer story the joke you like, or is that one another one?

That's the one.

 

[tinselwolverine]

So Jesus and the devil are out on the links, and they come to the tee box of a par 3 with a water trap out front.

So Jesus steps up with his - he would use either a 7 or an 8 on this hole, depending on the wind - and he tees off, and SPLAT!! Smack right out onto the water.

So a duck swims over to Jesus's ball, picks it up, flies out of the water and drops it onto the edge of the green.

A hedge hog comes up and pushes the ball across the green, and then a little bunny rappit comes and noses the ball down into the hole.

So the devil turns to Jesus and says "Jesus Christ - are we gonna play golf? Or are you just gonna fuck around here all day?"

 

[Michchamp]

I remember one that didn't involve Jesus exactly, but kinda acquired a meaning it was not intended to after teh church molestation scandals broke... when my aunt told this at a family event, I was a preteen and some people made the stink about it being borderline not appropriate for me to hear...

anyways:

there's a guy golfing, and he steps up, hits his drive, and hooks it right into the woods.

POOF... devil appears and says "For 1/3 of your sex life I'll give you a great drive."

Done.

Guy takes his second shot with a 3 iron... right into the bunker next to the green.

POOF. Devil appears again and says "For another 1/3 of your sex life, I'll improve your short game."

Done.

Guy chips onto the green, but has a long putt with a difficult read on the slope...

POOF Devil appears and says "For the last third... I'll give you great putting ability."

Done.

Devil asks the guy's name, and he replies "Father McKenzie."

 

[Michchamp]

Jesus has a very keen sense of humor, actually. His constant duels with the Pharisees were definitely opportunites to display it, with a few exceptions. People confuse the intrepretation of His ministry with the reality of it, and anything where people are involved is guaranteed to be dysfunctional.

personally, I never got a sense of humor from the Bible... even from Jesus, who usually seemed very solemn, even when defending the poor and weak against the pharisees. The whole thing always seemed to take itself very seriously in my opinion. Too seriously.

Now... taking it with a grain of salt... it's often unintentionally hilarious. in some cases uproariously so.

 

[tinselwolverine]

I remember one that didn't involve Jesus exactly, but kinda acquired a meaning it was not intended to after teh church molestation scandals broke... when my aunt told this at a family event, I was a preteen and some people made the stink about it being borderline not appropriate for me to hear...

anyways:

there's a guy golfing, and he steps up, hits his drive, and hooks it right into the woods.

POOF... devil appears and says "For 1/3 of your sex life I'll give you a great drive."

Done.

Guy takes his second shot with a 3 iron... right into the bunker next to the green.

POOF. Devil appears again and says "For another 1/3 of your sex life, I'll improve your short game."

Done.

Guy chips onto the green, but has a long putt with a difficult read on the slope...

POOF Devil appears and says "For the last third... I'll give you great putting ability."

Done.

Devil asks the guy's name, and he replies "Father McKenzie."

It was hunting season in rural Michigan, and Father McKenzie went out in the woods. He came across a big eight point buck, maybe 300 yards away.

Father McKenzie took a shot.

The buck looked at the priest bewilderedly.

Father McKenzie took another shot.

As the buck turned and began to move away, Father McKenzie took one more shot. Then he screwed the lid back onto the top of his flask, turned himself, and started to head back out of the woods.

 

[byco42]

personally, I never got a sense of humor from the Bible... even from Jesus, who usually seemed very solemn, even when defending the poor and weak against the pharisees. The whole thing always seemed to take itself very seriously in my opinion. Too seriously.

Now... taking it with a grain of salt... it's often unintentionally hilarious. in some cases uproariously so.

Everyone is on a different spiritual path. I wonder why you are reading it or reflecting on it at all.

 

[Michchamp]

Everyone is on a different spiritual path. I wonder why you are reading it or reflecting on it at all.

well... I did a bit of reading in my 12 years of catholic school.

My favorite bit was when a bunch of us schoolboys were reading passages from the Song of Songs and giggling on the way back from Chapel (one guy brought his Bible with him to show us what he found).

Sister Lucy cornered us, and demanded we stop what we were doing but you could tell she was choosing her words carefully (it was IN the Bible after all). One of my bolder classmates said "But SISTER.We're READING the BIBLE like you SAID."

I think she snarled that we weren't cute and we knew what we were doing and threatened us with jail time or something. since she was a beast of a woman... we backed down.