Best "Have you heard the news" stories.

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So, Saturday, I was getting ready to watch the ballgame (Tigers-Mets), when I see a car pull down my driveway. I knew right away what it was about when 2 guys in fancy suits get out of the car and one is carrying a bible, and the other pamphlets.

As they walk across my lawn to my porch, I try to think of how to deal with them (I don't like to do the Clint Eastwood "get off my god-damn lawn" bit), but they are like a stray puppy, if you give them even the slightest indication that you wont be a door slamming dick, they just wont go away.

So after the inevitable knock on my door, I answer and it's a young old crew (old is about mid-60's, young is late 20's, or early 30's), and old says, "We were wondering if you knew the rapture is upon us!" Now I was thinking of how I could console them for not being picked early in God's rapture draft, when the phone rings. Old stops talking and pantomimes I should get the phone.

Then it hit me, so I say loudly, "Oh my god, I bet that's the LORD calling right now about the rapture! I'm sure you fellas will get your calls soon. PRAISE JESUS!".

Then I shut the door on them and went out of sight to answer the phone where some recorded dickhead tells me about DirecTV or something. After about 3 minutes (not much conviction) they walked back to their car, and left.

In hindsight, I wish someone else was there to see it, because it was pretty awesome. Just had to share, maybe others have amusing anecdotes of shooing the Mormons of Witnesses from their steps? Share away.

 

[redandguilty]

No good stories, but "I'm Catholic" generally keeps the conversation pretty short.

 

[spockmaster]

Don't think Ive ever had them come to my door, but if I do I'll just start speaking in tongues in my Doctor Claw voice. Or Ill show up at my door with my bat'leth in hand.


Or both! muahahahahaha

 

[byco42]

I'll say "let me share my Catholic beliefs with you." That moves them along. I'm willing to share, no takers among that set.

 

[tinselwolverine]

"How happy are people who save 15% or more on car insurance through Geico?"

"Happier than a Jehovah's Witness whose day job is in pyramid marketing."

 

[Michchamp]

...

In hindsight, I wish someone else was there to see it, because it was pretty awesome. Just had to share, maybe others have amusing anecdotes of shooing the Mormons of Witnesses from their steps? Share away.

hmm... that's pretty good. I haven't had too many such interactions, and none in Chicago. they know better than to come around my neighborhood.

I do get some of the most ridiculous flyers for non-Denominational new age christian churches that pop up around the city. they try to downplay any references to god, jesus, or religion, and ask questions like "are you looking for answers and not finding them in your everyday life?"

one flyer had a pic of Jesus playing guitar I've seen elsewhere on the internet included for no reason I could figure out. If they think "rock music" is some new hip thing that will appeal to the kids, they're about 50 years too late...

(side note: searching for "Jesus + playing Guitar" on google to try to find that pic directed me to THIS DORK.)

 

[Thumb]

Why does a link about Michigan Volleyball players have a Splinter Cell header on the page?

 

[Thumb]

No good stories, but "I'm Catholic" generally keeps the conversation pretty short.

Well maybe I should try that, because the few times I have mentioned I'm an Atheist, it just seems to make them crusade harder, so I have learned to not offer that kind of information.

Also I have no idea what denomination the guys who came Saturday were, I just assume they were either the Mormons or Witnesses, because nobody else ever seems to go door to door, except when I was like 19 and rented my first place, on a street with 3 churches (Methodist, Lutheran, Baptist), all 3 stopped over within the week to invite me to join them.

 

[Michchamp]

Well maybe I should try that, because the few times I have mentioned I'm an Atheist, it just seems to make them crusade harder, so I have learned to not offer that kind of information.

...

sometimes, it's just not worth it; especially if you're dealing with the real crazies.

the last thing you want is an angry bunch of them showing up to nail your doors shut and burn your house down.

 

[Michchamp]

So, Saturday, I was getting ready to watch the ballgame (Tigers-Mets), when I see a car pull down my driveway. I knew right away what it was about when 2 guys in fancy suits get out of the car and one is carrying a bible, and the other pamphlets.

...

Forgot to ask... you don't by any chance have a "No Solicitors" sign on your door do you?

 

[redandguilty]

Well maybe I should try that, because the few times I have mentioned I'm an Atheist, it just seems to make them crusade harder, so I have learned to not offer that kind of information.

I was kind of thinking that might be a common reaction. When you say you're Catholic, they'll still hand you something and ask you to read it, but they know you're hopeless.

 

[Thumb]

Forgot to ask... you don't by any chance have a "No Solicitors" sign on your door do you?

No, only because I always thought they made the house look tacky. The only person I can remember having on on his door was a cranky old guy when I lived in Saint Clair Shores had one on his door. It used to make me uncomfortable when I had to collect for delivering his Macomb Daily.

He also poisoned our family cat.

 

[byco42]

sometimes, it's just not worth it; especially if you're dealing with the real crazies.

the last thing you want is an angry bunch of them showing up to nail your doors shut and burn your house down.

I am shocked at the daily reports of these kinds of occurrences. In Egypt.

 

[Michchamp]

No, only because I always thought they made the house look tacky. The only person I can remember having on on his door was a cranky old guy when I lived in Saint Clair Shores had one on his door. It used to make me uncomfortable when I had to collect for delivering his Macomb Daily.

He also poisoned our family cat.

heh. yeah, it's usually a sign a cranky old man lives there.

st. clair shores, eh? we lived there from '80 to '85. street called Euclid.

 

[Michchamp]

I am shocked at the daily reports of these kinds of occurrences. In Egypt.

come to think of it, you have a "No Solicitors" sign on your door, right?

 

[tinselwolverine]

Forgot to ask... you don't by any chance have a "No Solicitors" sign on your door do you?

In the same way that "I'm an Atheist" just seems to make them crusade harder, such is the same case with No Solicitors signs.

 

[Thumb]

heh. yeah, it's usually a sign a cranky old man lives there.

st. clair shores, eh? we lived there from '80 to '85. street called Euclid.

Would have a been a slight overlap, I think we moved in '82.

Though we were not neighbors, you were on the far North end, and I was south side. My older sisters went to South Lake H.S., and you were near Lakeshore H.S.

I lived half-way in between 8 and 9 mile, between I-94 and Harper Ave.

 

[TheVictors]

No Solicitor signs do not apply to converting heathens since they're not selling anything door to door or asking for signatures.

My Dad used to say he was Jewish which seemed to work ...a "lost cause" but my lovely mother, the Reverend LOVED engaging them! She'd spend two hours at the front door and talk to the LDS missionaries..


We have lovely older Black couples that are Baptist who walk the blocks sometimes.

 

[tinselwolverine]

Well maybe I should try that (claiming to be Catholic), because the few times I have mentioned I'm an Atheist, it just seems to make them crusade harder...

That's because when you say you're an Aethiest they figure you still at least have a chance at Salvation.

Devout Catholics are already eternally lost, in their eyes.

 

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Devout Catholics are already eternally lost, in their eyes.

I consider most of them lost as well, just not in the same sense.